What I Learned from Sammy Merritt: Understanding Baby Sleep and Its Impact on Maternal Mental Health

When Caroline and I sat down with Sammy Merritt, a pediatric sleep expert and counseling psychologist, I knew we’d cover a lot. Sammy’s practical, evidence-informed approach to baby sleep illuminates the intricate connection between sleep patterns, maternal mental health, and setting realistic expectations. Here are the most impactful takeaways from our conversation.

1. Baby Sleep Isn’t a Reflection of Your Parenting

One of the strongest messages Sammy shared is that a baby’s sleep patterns aren’t a direct reflection of parenting quality. In our society, it’s easy for new moms to feel pressure to have their baby sleeping on a particular schedule, which can create unrealistic expectations. Sammy reminded us that babies’ sleep needs are dynamic, constantly shifting as they grow and develop. She reminded us all that “the babies haven’t read the sleep training guides.” Each baby has unique sleep requirements, so rigid adherence to sleep schedules can do more harm than good.

This shift in perspective can ease the pressure on moms and open up space for a more responsive, less controlled approach to baby sleep. It was refreshing to hear that baby sleep is a “bi-directional relationship,” as Sammy put it. Maternal mental health impacts baby sleep, and baby sleep (or lack thereof) can influence a mother’s mental health. As a new mom, embracing flexibility in this process may reduce stress and lead to a more positive parenting experience.

2. The Dangers of Over-Control and Perfectionism

Sammy discussed how anxiety often manifests as a need to control every aspect of a baby’s sleep schedule—something that resonates with many moms. Tracking sleep patterns down to the minute or avoiding outings to stick to a nap schedule can result in what Sammy called "baby sleep jail." This heightened need for control can actually fuel anxiety rather than alleviate it, as the unpredictability of a baby's sleep doesn’t align with perfectionistic tendencies.

This need for control can lead to "decision fatigue," an exhausting cycle that impacts mental well-being. Sammy encourages moms to trust their intuition and adopt a broader view, knowing that minor deviations from a schedule won’t undo all progress. Her reassurance that sleep patterns don’t determine a mom’s value or success was such a powerful reminder to focus on what truly matters—our relationships with our children and ourselves.

3. Rethinking Crying and the Division of Responsibility

One of the more profound ideas Sammy introduced is the "division of responsibility" when it comes to baby sleep. Just as with feeding, where the parent decides when and what to offer, in sleep, the parent provides the conditions for sleep, but it’s ultimately up to the baby to sleep or not. For anxious or sleep-deprived parents, this perspective can be incredibly freeing. Sammy also highlighted that crying doesn’t always indicate distress needing immediate action. Rather, it’s a form of communication—a natural way for babies to express their needs.

Sammy emphasizes that responding to a baby’s cry without necessarily trying to stop it immediately can be helpful for both baby and parent. By allowing babies to cry while staying present and calm, parents can model emotional tolerance and regulation. Her tip to “be the anchor in their storm” resonated with me deeply as it helps reframe crying as a bridge for connection rather than a problem needing fixing.

4. The Reality Behind Sleep Training, Co-Sleeping, and Wake Windows

We also delved into some hot-button topics, like sleep training, co-sleeping, and wake windows. Her balanced perspective on sleep training was particularly insightful. Contrary to common misconceptions, sleep training doesn’t equate to ignoring a baby’s cries. Instead, it’s about teaching babies to sleep independently while respecting their emotional needs and a family’s attachment goals. Sammy reassured us that, based on long-term research, responsive sleep training does not harm babies or affect their attachment with parents.

Similarly, Sammy offered a thoughtful take on co-sleeping, emphasizing safety and situational choices over strict rules. While organizations like the American Academy of Pediatrics discourage co-sleeping due to safety concerns, she acknowledged the reality that many families find this arrangement necessary and offered tips to make it as safe as possible.

Perhaps one of the most liberating points was her view on wake windows. While wake windows—a concept detailing specific awake times for babies—have become widely popular, Sammy clarifies that they aren’t exactly evidence-based. She encourages moms to use these as general guidelines rather than strict schedules, noting that all babies have different sleep needs. Her reminder to stay attuned to a baby’s individual cues rather than rigid frameworks felt like a breath of fresh air.

Final Thoughts: Embrace Flexibility and Trust Your Instincts

Talking with Sammy left me with a profound sense of relief. Her practical approach and nuanced view encourages parents to release some of the anxiety and rigidity around sleep. The way a baby sleeps isn’t a reflection of parenting, and as parents, we can still provide a loving, responsive environment while letting go of what we can’t control.

For new moms grappling with the overwhelming sleep advice out there, Sammy’s advice is a beacon of calm. She reminds us that there’s no “one size fits all” for sleep, just as there’s no single approach to parenting. The key is finding what works for you and your family—without judgment or unnecessary pressure.

If you’re interested in more of Sammy’s insights, check her out on Instagram @themerrittofsleep or on her website, The Merritt of Sleep. And remember, it’s okay to experiment, make adjustments, and prioritize your own mental well-being, because taking care of yourself is one of the most valuable things you can do for your child.

If you haven’t yet listened to Sammy’s episode on The Moms Are Alright, find it below!