The Dichotomy of Motherhood: A story of birth and death

Motherhood is a profound transformation, one that goes beyond the physical act of bringing life into the world. It is a journey filled with joy, love, and connection, but also one marked by loss, grief, and the undeniable feeling that parts of you have died along the way. This dichotomy—the birth of a new version of yourself as a mother and the death of the person you once were—is a complex emotional experience that many women face but rarely speak about openly.

The Birth of a New Identity

The moment you become a mother, you also give birth to a new you. Suddenly, you're not just who you used to be—you’re someone’s mother. This shift can be beautiful, filled with purpose and a new sense of self. You find yourself nurturing a new life, making decisions that impact your child's well-being, and growing into a role you may have spent months or years dreaming about.

However, the birth of this new self can come with immense pressure. Society often expects mothers to naturally adapt to their new roles seamlessly, as if maternal instincts alone should carry you through sleepless nights, constant feedings, and the weight of new responsibilities. In reality, it can feel like you’re scrambling to keep up with the rapid changes, trying to figure out who this new version of you really is.

Psychologist Daphne de Marneffe talks about the "maternal identity crisis," a psychological shift that takes place as women transition into motherhood. She explains that many women find themselves wondering, Who am I now? The new identity of "mom" can overshadow other aspects of who you once were, leading to a deep internal struggle.

Grieving the Loss of Who You Were

With the birth of the mother comes the loss of the woman who existed before. This can manifest as a feeling of grief for the life you once had—the freedom, the spontaneity, the focus on your career or passions. It can feel as if the "old you" has died, leaving behind someone unrecognizable.

Dr. Alexandra Sacks, a psychiatrist specializing in reproductive health, explains that this process (also called matrescence) is comparable to adolescence in terms of the emotional and psychological upheaval it causes. Just as adolescence brings about a sense of loss for the childhood self, matrescence comes with a mourning period for the version of you that existed before you became a mother.

This grief can be isolating. Friends and family might not understand why you're feeling sad or disconnected, especially when the world expects you to be brimming with happiness about your new baby. But grief and joy can coexist. In fact, many mothers experience both at the same time—the joy of raising a child and the grief over losing their former self.

The Emotional Toll of the Dichotomy

The tension between these two experiences—birthing a new self and mourning the old—can take a toll on your mental health. This dichotomy often leads to feelings of guilt and shame. You might feel guilty for missing your old life or shame for not fully embracing motherhood the way you think you "should." These emotions can contribute to feelings of depression, anxiety, or an overwhelming sense of inadequacy.

It’s important to recognize that these feelings are normal. The emotional complexity of motherhood doesn't make you a bad mother—it makes you human. Acknowledging both the beauty and the struggle of motherhood can help you process these emotions in a healthy way.

Finding Balance and Honoring Both Selves

The key to navigating this dichotomy lies in finding balance. It's crucial to allow yourself to grieve the loss of your former self while embracing the new identity you’ve created as a mother. This doesn't happen overnight. It’s a process that takes time, self-reflection, and self-compassion.

Here are some strategies to help you navigate this transition:

1. Allow yourself to grieve: Acknowledge the feelings of loss and sadness. It's okay to miss your old life. Talk to a therapist or join a support group where you can share your experiences without judgment.

2. Create space for both versions of yourself: Motherhood doesn’t have to erase the person you were before. Carve out time for activities you enjoyed before becoming a mom. Whether it’s pursuing a hobby, spending time with friends, or focusing on your career, make space for the "old you" in your new life.

3. Lean into your new identity: Embrace the aspects of motherhood that bring you joy and fulfillment. Over time, you’ll grow more comfortable with your new self and find pride in the ways you’ve grown.

4. Practice self-compassion: The transition into motherhood is one of the most challenging shifts a woman can face. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this new role. You are not expected to have it all figured out.

Motherhood is a journey that encompasses both birth and death—creating a new self while letting go of who you once were. By allowing yourself to grieve and embracing the transformation, you can honor both versions of yourself and step into motherhood with a sense of wholeness.