Navigating Infertility: Coping Strategies When Everyone Else Has a Baby
About 50% of women struggling with infertility consider it the most upsetting experience of their lives. It's no wonder, then, that when others around you share their “we’re having a baby!” news that it’ll often bring up feelings of jealousy, anger, resentment, spitefulness, sadness, and grief. If you’re facing infertility, these emotions are natural and understandable. Here are three helpful pointers to cope with these feelings:
1. Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries
People who haven’t experienced infertility might not know what to say or do. Their comments can come off as insensitive, even when they’re trying to be supportive. It’s crucial to protect yourself from those who consistently make unsupportive and painful comments. Setting boundaries, creating space from them, can be necessary in the interim. At Bloom, I've seen that good friends often try their best, but they can be hopeless at saying the right thing during medical crises. They might also be dealing with their own issues. It's important not to make permanent decisions about who will be forgiven or allowed back into your life right now. Focus on who can support you best during this crisis and seek out the company of these people. Good friends will likely return to your life after infertility.
2. Create a “How to Tell Me” Plan
Ambivalence in emotions is common when hearing about others' pregnancies. Patients often express mixed feelings like, "I’m happy for them, but why not me?" or "They haven't even been trying as long as we have." Holding both excitement for your friend and grief over your situation is exhausting, especially when you have to pretend to be only joyful when others share their good news with you.
To manage this, let your friends know how they can share pregnancy or birth news in a way that considers your feelings. For example, you could say, "When you plan to let me know you’re pregnant, could you please send me an email or let my partner share the news with me?" This approach allows you to process the information privately and at your own pace.
3. Come Up with a Happy List
Create a list of activities that help you cope when difficult emotions arise. This list can include going for a walk, watching a movie, calling a friend to vent, or finishing up tasks. What works for you is unique, so consider whether distraction or venting usually makes you feel better. Keep this happy list by your bed, on the fridge, or anywhere it's easily accessible. Having these go-to activities can provide comfort and relief during tough moments.
While about half of women struggling with infertility consider it the most upsetting experience of their lives, research and clinical experience show that time helps patients feel better and rebound. A Canadian study of women in their 60s and 70s, all of whom struggled with infertility, found that regardless of whether they had biological children, adopted, or remained child-free, they were all equally happy.
Remember, living with infertility is emotionally painful, but it’s also a temporary crisis. Your feelings are normal! Feeling jealous when others get pregnant easily doesn’t make you a bad friend—it makes you human. Try embrace your emotions without judgment. Infertility is a challenging journey, but you have the strength to navigate it. And when the going gets tough, there’s always help when you need it.