Cultivating Unshakeable Self-Trust with dr. Tuesday
As a perinatal psychologist in New York and Florida, I'm always seeking new insights to help expectant and new mothers navigate the challenges of matrescence. Recently, on my podcast with Dr. Caroline Dickens, we had the opportunity to explore the concepts of letting go of perfectionism and cultivating self-trust in pregnancy and postpartum. Here are some of my key takeaways!
Understanding Perfectionism in Motherhood
Perfectionism, while often celebrated in other areas of life, can become a significant obstacle when entering motherhood. In fact, studies have found that having perfectionistic tendencies put you at risk for developing PPD and PPA.
It's important to distinguish between two types of perfectionism: adaptive and maladaptive. Adaptive perfectionism involves setting high standards for oneself, striving for excellence in a healthy way, and having flexibility in the process. This type of perfectionism can be beneficial in certain contexts, such as academic or professional settings, where it drives individuals to achieve their goals and produce high-quality work. However, in the context of pregnancy and early parenting, maladaptive perfectionism often takes hold. This maladaptive form of perfectionism manifests as:
Setting unrealistically high standards for oneself
Constant self-criticism and fear of judgment
Attempting to control every aspect of the experience
Excessive comparison to others' experiences
Rigid, all-or-nothing thinking
Maladaptive perfectionism can lead to exhaustion, burnout, and a diminished ability to enjoy the journey of motherhood. The rigid thinking associated with this type of perfectionism leaves no room for the nuanced, messy reality of raising children. While adaptive perfectionism may have served well in other areas of life, the transition to motherhood often requires a shift away from perfectionistic tendencies. The unpredictable nature of pregnancy, birth, and child-rearing doesn't align with the controlled, high-achieving environment where perfectionism typically thrives. By acknowledging that the perfectionist strategies that worked well in other contexts may not be suitable for parenting, you can begin to cultivate a more balanced, self-compassionate approach to your new role.
The Journey to Self-Trust
The transition from perfectionism to self-trust is a process that requires conscious effort and mindset shifts. Key elements of re-engaging in your self-trust includes:
Tuning into your own needs and instincts
Reducing overthinking and over-preparation
Letting go of the need to control every aspect of the experience
Embracing uncertainty and unpredictability
The result of this shift can be a more self-led pregnancy, birth, and postpartum experience that activates a deep sense of self-trust.
Why Self-Trust Matters in Motherhood
Motherhood is filled with uncertainty. From pregnancy to birth and beyond, there are countless moments where we face the unknown. While we can't control everything, we can trust ourselves to navigate whatever comes our way. Self-trust allows us to:
Make decisions aligned with our values
Tolerate uncertainty without constant anxiety
Resist the pressure of external expectations
Enjoy our unique motherhood journey
Breaking Free from Perfectionism
To break free from perfectionism, expectant and new mothers can:
Recognize that there's no "perfect" way to mother
Embrace the messy, imperfect moments as part of the journey
Challenge their inner critic when it demands unrealistic standards
Focus on progress rather than perfection
Cultivating Self-Trust
Developing unshakeable self-trust is a process that can transform the experience of motherhood. Here are some strategies to cultivate self-trust:
Turn inward: Instead of constantly seeking external validation or advice, practice tuning into your own instincts and feelings.
Embrace uncertainty: Accept that motherhood is unpredictable, and trust that you have the resources to handle whatever comes your way.
Let go of comparison: Remember that everyone's journey is unique. Your path doesn't need to look like anyone else's. And anyways, oftentimes what we see of others’ journeys is highly curated and not the whole story.
Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself when things don't go as planned. Treat yourself with the same compassion you'd offer a friend or your baby.
Celebrate small wins: Acknowledge your efforts and successes, no matter how small they might seem.
The Power of Self-Trust in Motherhood
While perfectionism might have served us well in other areas of life, motherhood calls for a different approach. By cultivating self-trust, we can navigate the challenges of pregnancy, birth, and early parenthood with more ease and joy. Unshakeable self-trust doesn't mean we'll never doubt ourselves or face difficulties. Instead, it provides a solid foundation from which we can approach the ups and downs of motherhood. It allows us to be present, to adapt to changing circumstances, and to trust that we have what it takes to be the mothers our children need.
As we let go of the need for perfection and embrace self-trust, we open ourselves up to a more authentic, fulfilling experience of motherhood. And in doing so, we not only benefit ourselves but also model resilience, self-compassion, and adaptability for our children.